When I was afraid

When I was afraid, 
I lay in the dark quivering in fear
wishing I was anywhere but here.
It's dark and cold and everyone is asleep
and I try my hardest to not cry
so I cover my head with my sleeping bag
and still the hot tears pour 
soaking the dark green flannel. 
In a weak moment, I hear myself call out 
and you come close. In that tone, you tell me to pray
for the demons I must have summoned
can be demolished with holy water and mantras
and I want relief so bad, so I let you splash 
god's remedy across my tiny body 
and I chant until I slowly surrender and curl up 
to mantras in the dark.

Tonight, bare-breasted under the light of the moon
I feel afraid. 
I wonder when my body will heal. 
If it will heal. 
If I'm strong enough to stand up to these invisible invaders. 
It crosses my mind, perhaps I haven't prayed enough,
maybe it's because I haven't been grateful enough
I'm chastising myself for not doing enough. For not being enough.

So I take a bath. Attempting to wash away my not-enoughness, praying for redemption of some kind, any kind, that restores me back to a self that feels strong and vibrant again.

I realize I'm doing exactly what you did to me. I'm being hard on me for feeling vulnerable, afraid, for wanting something better. Then I remember.

I remember in those moments, all little self need(ed) is love.

So I tell her tonight everything she needs to hear.
No matter how long the light is low,
I will be here with you, by your side.

I will not abandon you, not in the light or the dark. 
I will stay by your side even in pools of tears.

I am your shelter, your refuge, your sanctuary.

When you are afraid,
covered in darkness 
shadows flitting across your mind
I will hold you closer 
chanting only this sacred mantra:
I Love You. 
I Love You. 
I Love You.

And that will be enough for us both.

(Conversations with little self)

#lymewarrior #healing #ittakestime #patience #loveiskind #bloopedpodcast#mylife #rebel #thebeginning